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LIFE COACHING

Why it is important to say no?

Connecting For Results #40
September 29, 2003
Copyright © 2003 by Bill Dueease

One of the most difficult things people have trouble saying is "no" to the pressure of others. What is fascinating is that it has been reported that in the United States, the average American is bombarded with over 2,700 advertisements and enticements each day to buy products or services. Americans have been forced to mentally say no thousands of times each day. Yet, many people have difficulty saying no in more personal ways. Apparently, women have more trouble saying no than men. This is especially true when people have to say no to their boss, their friends or loved ones, which will include considerable pressure and even guilt.

When a person agrees to do something for someone else, doing so will frequently cause a conflict with doing something that was promised for another person or eve themselves. The weight of not fulfilling promises (previous yeses) made to others can be overwhelming. A boss asking you to stay late, after you had personally promised your son to attend his little league game and it was very important to both you and your son that you attend, is such an example.

Saying "no" can frequently be good for you.

Saying no is many times a good thing. In fact, saying no is a very important step in achieving and maintaining self esteem and to reduce the damage caused by bad stress. As in the example given above, the employee has clear choices and she will have to say no to either her boss or son. The employee placed a very high priority on attending the game. The employee would suffer considerable bad stress by staying late. The employee would feel bad stress from disappointing her son, and would probably feel resentment against the boss. The employee might resent having to cover for the boss's lack of planning, and also might resent not being compensated for working extra hours, and will certainly resent not being able to keep her promise to her son. With this resentment, the employee will undoubtedly perform at a diminished capacity and will probably not produce the level of results expected by her boss. This will create even more bad stress, because the employee will create disappointment in the eyes of the boss.

The employee will have a much easier time saying no because she knew the level of priorities between the two choices and attending the game came first. The employee will be much better off by finding a way to say no to the boss, so that the employee will be able to attend the little game as promised. And in this example (as in most real life situations) even the boss will be better off accepting a no from the employee.

How to know when to say "no."

Most people become very confused about when to say no because they are unsure of when saying it is right for them to say no. Why? Because they have not recognized when saying no will reduce or eliminate the bad stress of undue conflicts with other desired actions. The key to recognizing the possibility of creating bad stress by not saying no is to determine the priorities of your actions. You will want to be very truthful with yourself first to discover and accept the relative differences in priorities. Setting priorities are very beneficial and will lead to reducing lots of undue conflicts and bad stress. Setting priorities means placing one choice over another, over another, etc. Equal priorities create serious problems, as do unknown priorities.

In our example, the employee had determined that attending the game was a very high priority, certainly higher than staying late at work. Choosing to attend the game was clearly the right choice for the employee, and the boss, because the employee had set the priorities. However, if the employee had not faced the truth within herself and established the priorities, she might have easily said yes, and then she and the boss would have suffered the resentment and bad stress that would have followed. Thus, everybody benefited BECAUSE the employee had decided upon the priorities of the two possible conflicting actions and had the presence of mind to follow her priorities.

Conclusion.

Saying no to the requirements, requests and pressures from others is necessary because it would be impossible for one person to fulfill all of them. Conflicts are bound to occur and choices will have to be made, which will mean that you will have to say no. Knowing when and whom to say no to is very important to reduce bad stress and to being able to fulfill all promises. The key is to discover and establish you own set of priorities (with no ties) and to say yes or no based upon your own priorities.

We welcome your opinions and comments.

Bill Dueease
Editor

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