September 29, 2003
Copyright © 2003 by Bill Dueease
One of the most difficult things people have trouble saying is ?o?to
the pressure of others. What is fascinating is that it has been reported
that in the United States, the average American is bombarded with over
2,700 advertisements and enticements each day to buy products or services.
Americans have been forced to mentally say no thousands of times each
day. Yet, many people have difficulty saying no in more personal ways.
Apparently, women have more trouble saying no than men. This is especially
true when people have to say no to their boss, their friends or loved
ones, which will include considerable pressure and even guilt.
When a person agrees to do something for someone else, doing so will
frequently cause a conflict with doing something that was promised for
another person or eve themselves. The weight of not fulfilling promises
(previous yeses) made to others can be overwhelming. A boss asking you
to stay late, after you had personally promised your son to attend his
little league game and it was very important to both you and your son
that you attend, is such an example.
Saying no is many times a good thing. In fact, saying no is a very important
step in achieving and maintaining self esteem and to reduce the damage
caused by bad stress. As in the example given above, the employee has
clear choices and she will have to say no to either her boss or son.
The employee placed a very high priority on attending the game. The
employee would suffer considerable bad stress by staying late. The employee
would feel bad stress from disappointing her son, and would probably
feel resentment against the boss. The employee might resent having to
cover for the boss's lack of planning, and also might resent not being
compensated for working extra hours, and will certainly resent not being
able to keep her promise to her son. With this resentment, the employee
will undoubtedly perform at a diminished capacity and will probably
not produce the level of results expected by her boss. This will create
even more bad stress, because the employee will create disappointment
in the eyes of the boss.
The employee will have a much easier time saying no because she knew
the level of priorities between the two choices and attending the game
came first. The employee will be much better off by finding a way to
say no to the boss, so that the employee will be able to attend the
little game as promised. And in this example (as in most real life situations)
even the boss will be better off accepting a no from the employee.
Most people become very confused about when to say no because they are
unsure of when saying it is right for them to say no. Why? Because they
have not recognized when saying no will reduce or eliminate the bad
stress of undue conflicts with other desired actions. The key to recognizing
the possibility of creating bad stress by not saying no is to determine
the priorities of your actions. You will want to be very truthful with
yourself first to discover and accept the relative differences in priorities.
Setting priorities are very beneficial and will lead to reducing lots
of undue conflicts and bad stress. Setting priorities means placing
one choice over another, over another, etc. Equal priorities create
serious problems, as do unknown priorities.
In our example, the employee had determined that attending the game
was a very high priority, certainly higher than staying late at work.
Choosing to attend the game was clearly the right choice for the employee,
and the boss, because the employee had set the priorities. However,
if the employee had not faced the truth within herself and established
the priorities, she might have easily said yes, and then she and the
boss would have suffered the resentment and bad stress that would have
followed. Thus, everybody benefited BECAUSE the employee had decided
upon the priorities of the two possible conflicting actions and had
the presence of mind to follow her priorities.
Saying no to the requirements, requests and pressures from others is
necessary because it would be impossible for one person to fulfill all
of them. Conflicts are bound to occur and choices will have to be made,
which will mean that you will have to say no. Knowing when and whom
to say no to is very important to reduce bad stress and to being able
to fulfill all promises. The key is to discover and establish you own
set of priorities (with no ties) and to say yes or no based upon your
own priorities.
We welcome your opinions and comments.
Bill Dueease
Editor
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